for this moment

            “O Jesus I have promised to serve Thee to the end…”  This song has been running over and over in my mind the last few weeks.  I find it easy to think of serving God ‘to the end,’ it’s just in the middle where I find the struggle. 

Jogging the other morning I found myself plodding one foot in front of the other trying to get my lazy legs to move my body down the road.  The struggle.  Breathe, relax, step, I know at some point I can turn around and think about making it home.  Oh this is hard!  Why do I do this to myself?  “But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection.”  I make this body do what I want it to do, not what it thinks it wants to do.

Step, keep stepping.  I turn and feel the wind at my back now.  I wish it would blow harder.  Blow me home.  All the way home.  I can look at the ground and take just one more step.  It’s a relief sometimes to look ahead and see the house.  This flat Iowa land doesn’t leave much for the imagination.  It’s all there in stark reality.  The good, the bad, the sometimes awful.

            The other day someone said in a card that right now God has us in His intensive care unit.  Close to Him.  Where He can watch us closely.  It made me cry.  Who wants to be in the ICU?  Isn’t that for other people?  People I don’t know?  Isn’t it for me to hear about and wonder how they are doing and be glad it’s not me?

            What does it meant to be close to God?  How do I know if I’m responding correctly to this situation?  Is God shaking His head at me and saying, “Really?  How can you miss My point?”  Do I really believe that God is working something beautiful in my life through this situation?  What if I’m responding like the children of Israel did so often?  Asking for a more when they were already being given so much?

Step, step, step.  I breathe in the air and remember that there is a verse similar to the song I’ve been singing.  “But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.”  It doesn’t talk so much about arriving at home.  It talks about endurance.  It means the struggle.  The stepping, the breathing, the relying on God for this moment.  My life is just a vapor.  I can hang on, I can step, I can breathe, I can endure for a vapor, just a moment.  This struggle is not so intense that I cannot, with God’s grace, endure to the end.

Today Ian is sore, and tired.  He said the pain medicine he is taking for the wound in is arm, helps with the pain and discomfort in his legs.  He was out fixing the rabbit cages in the barn, making sure everything is in place for when the does decided it’s time to have their kits.  Caring for the rabbits gives him something to do, to think about, when I’m away at work and he is left with little to do at home.

When I met Ian in the recovery room yesterday afternoon he was perky as ever.  He wanted to show me the incision the doctors made in his arm for the muscle biopsy.  He specifically asked the Anesthesiologist not to sedate him so he could talk to the doctors during the operation.  When Dr. Reddy met me in the waiting room after the surgery he said with a bit of a smile that Ian was fine, everything went well and he thinks Ian saw most of the operation through a reflection in the chrome on a light fixture overhead.

The drive home was a bit long as the pain medicine started to wear off.  We decided to wait to get back home to fill the prescription the doctor gave us.

We won’t hear back from the doctors for at least 6-12 days.  More enduring.  More quietly learning to wait.  But this is life.  Patience without anger.  Trusting without hopelessness.  And enduring not just for the end but truly learning to endure for this moment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                                                                                                                                   Photo Courtesy: Ariel McGlothin

A happy birthday week!

Thank you to all the ladies that came to help today at our house. It's lovely to look around and see clean windows, clean floors, clean flowerbeds, clean garden, clean painted shelves and more.

I realized this evening that just the distraction of having everyone here was a blessing.  When there are other things to plan for, live for and experience, it helps to take my mind off of the every day changes and worries and lifts my spirits!  So thank you for giving us a wonderful day that will be blessing us for a long time to come!

There isn't much to report on Ian's health status at the moment.  We've been calling the doctor's office every day this week to find out what is going on.  It sounds like the doctor needs to talk to Ian before we can get an appointment.  Several of the tests he took have come back and maybe after looking at those he is making another decision.  One of the nurses mentioned that the doctor is only looking to do a muscle biopsy and not the EMG?  Until we talk to the doctor we won't know but it's nice to think Ian might not have to go through another EMG again.  (And I won't have to watch him experience it either!)  Pray with us that the doctor will call soon and we can move forward in scheduling the next step in this process.


(Just a little note, in case you didn't know, I have a wonderful husband!  Not only does he remember to give me my vitamins every day but he took me to a greenhouse yesterday for my birthday and helped me pick out some lovely house plants!)

...the clouds ye so much dread...

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper

Today was a long day.  We got up at a normal time, I ran to work, picked up the children, spent the morning doing laundry and packed a few things in the car for our trip to IA city.  Dena Keller graciously offered to take care of the children I babysit and David III (Ian's brother) took off work to drive us to our appointment and sit in and listen as an extra ear.

The appointment was at 2 o'clock and went pretty smoothly.  The doctor we spoke with did a rather thorough examination, listened to our story and asked a lot of questions about symptoms.  He ordered some lab work and another EMG (Ian had one yesterday at Methodist) as well as a muscle biopsy.  The EMG is a series of tests done on the nerves and muscles with short electric shocks and needles to test for different reactions and responses.  This is not exactly a pain free test!

At this point we're waiting for a call letting us know when our next appointment will be.  They are trying to find a day where they can schedule the EMG as well as the muscle biopsy for the same day to save us having to run several times back and forth to IA city, a two hour drive.

Today at one point while Ian was getting a particular test done, I found myself in the hall waiting and thumping my head against the wall wondering how I, Ruth Strickler - gone Bennett, found myself in this situation.  Who am I and how did I get here?  What is God's plan for all of this?  Is it possible that we can really serve God out of this very broken feeling?  What does it mean to be a Christian in this situation?  How do I allow these particular circumstances to purify my heart?   It's interesting the sometimes dumb, and sometimes serious questions we ask ourselves during a difficult time in life and it feels like I've been dealing with an overdose of them.  It's unsettling to watch the fairy-tale, cloud castles of the mind's imagined future, being blown away with just a slight puff of God's wind.  Someone recently advised us not to look too far into the future but to really live today to it's fullest.  This idea is slowly settling into my over active mind and I'm learning to not allow myself to run away with the winds of worry and confusion that are not of God.  In the mean time we're allowing ourselves to ask why, to cry, to take one moment at a time and to really learn to be content with where God has us even in the times of waiting with the certainty of an unknown future.

Through the haze and uncertainty of the past few days there is one thing that has been very clear.  "...The clouds ye so much dread / Are big with mercy and shall break / In blessings on your head."  God's grace has been poured out on our lives in ways that are hard to explain tangibly but are oh so evident emotionally.  The cloud does not seem so dark or the future so bleak because of this grace.  We want to thank you all for your prayers and support.  I know that God is moving on our behalf and bringing strength when we need it the most and grace when we're feeling the weakest.

After the Neurologist

   This morning we visited the Neurologist at Methodist hospital in Des Moines.  We met Dr. Nakarawat and he ordered a few more blood tests.  We have several nerve conduction tests scheduled for Tuesday.  The doctor wants to make sure that the nerves are functioning properly before moving on to more advanced testing, most likely through University of Iowa in Iowa City.

   Ian had a good today!  He was able to go out and spray weeds while riding on the lawn mower after a nap.  We thank you all for the hundreds of prayers going up to the Father on our behalf.  The journey to an answer looks like it might be a long ways off but we feel God's presence with us.

This is what we know today

      It seems like Ian has been struggling with something health related for a long time.  Around the same time we started dating and even before he realized that for some reason he wasn't able to work as hard as he used to work and couldn't shear as quickly as he thought he should be able to shear.  This led to a job change and now he's driving truck.  
    
      Last Thanksgiving was when I really started to think something might be up when Ian's legs hurt a lot when he would stand or go for walks.  We decided to talk to the chiropractor and look for orthotics for his feet.  Over the next few months he tried several different kinds of orthotics and they seemed to work for a while but after about a month they would wear off and not seem to be helping any more.  

     Within the last month Ian started getting tests done for thyroid, lyme disease, general blood work, cardio and the list goes on.   All of them came back clear.

     Somewhere in the process Ian talked to Michael  (My cousin and Ian's brother-in-law who is a doctor in the Lancaster area) who suggested several other tests. Things kind of came to a head the weekend Dr. Michael was here in IA for a visit and we were able to talk to him in person.  It seems Ian's symptoms don't match anything in the 'general practitioner's' realm of knowledge.  Ian has difficulty standing because of intense pain and weakness in his legs and it seems he's beginning to feel some of the same symptoms in his arms.  He no longer stands for a conversation but has to sit.  Walking slowly works for a bit but if he walks much, the weakness takes over and he has to sit down again.  He's most relaxed when he's sitting with his feet up and has been resting for a while.  He hasn't been able to work at all since last week.

    At this point Dr. Michael as well as our current doctor in Des Moines, is encouraging us to go see a specialist either with University of Iowa or Mayo to see if we can start to find some answers.  He says the symptoms are really quite odd because there are very few things that usually go wrong with the muscles.

    I don't know that there are many other details we have to share other than to ask that you pray for us as we face the certainty of an unknown future, doctor's visits, tests, hospitals and many more things we can't even begin to fathom.

     Feel free to share this with others.  We're finally starting to realize this is a reality and so we've talked to our families and a few other people but word hasn't gotten very far yet but we long for the prayer support of many. Lift us up to the God who truly knows all things and encourage others to as well.

For He is our peace...