It was so nice to have my friend Kaylan here for a visit a
few weeks back. She, like so many
others have been good about coming to visit us when we don’t have the option to
travel as much as we wish we could.
We were standing in the kitchen at work. I was slicing fruit for the day. Our conversation was all about her life
and my life and family and friends we know. I told Kaylan that even though life has been rough, God has
been very present in our struggle.
As I cut the cantalope in half and cleaned out the seeds with a spoon Kaylan asked me, “How? Do you have an example?”
I sliced the melon in quarters and found myself tearing
up.
“Yeah, the other day it was early in the morning. I went and picked up Orlando, (the
little boy that Ian babysits) and when I got home I was rushing around trying
to get things lined up for Ian for the day. He wasn’t feeling well at all so I dished up food onto
plates for them and stored them in the fridge for lunch. It was shaping in to a no good morning
really fast. Should I ask Dena to
take care of Orlando? (She’s been
so good about helping us when we’ve needed it.) Why do I have to rush off to work and leave my sick husband
at home every day? Why does my
world look this way? God didn’t
create me to be living this life.
At least not in His perfect plan.
Just before I left for work for the day I sat in the drive
and sent a text to several friends asking them to pray for me just to survive
the day. I’d been crying all
morning and life felt like more than I could take. When was my heart going to physically break in half from the
pain? I was just imagining trying
to make food for people’s lunches with tears dripping into the soup and all
over the sandwiches. Not
great. But that’s how I felt.
As I left the drive, I glanced down at the clock and
realized I was going to be just a bit late for work, if I didn’t hurry. More thoughts coursed through my head
as I drove and I wasn’t paying much attention to anything.
What does it mean to live in this state of brokenness? What is God trying to teach us on a
day-by-day basis? How can I try
harder to pursue God’s heart in knowing how to live? Even for this moment?
The pile of
tissues grew on the seat next to me.
And really, what do we do next? Where do we go?
Who do we talk to? How many
more doctor’s visits should we seek out?
When God looks at my heart, what does He see? Does He see a heart that is desperate only for physical
healing for Ian? Or can I hold my
desires with an open hand realizing that clutching them tightly to myself will
do no good anyway?
Just then I looked up in my rear view mirror and saw a white
car pull around the vehicle following me and swing in behind me. I put on the brakes right away. I knew immediately it was a
policeman. Even more than that I
knew that I’d let the way I was feeling take over my ability to drive
wisely. I’ve been pulled over
before and I know that feeling of blood pounding in my ears, the sting of
knowing I deserved what was coming, or in some cases wondering why I’d been
stopped but being pretty sure I was at fault. The rush of adrenaline that goes with it all. Surprisingly as the police officer
walked up to my window I felt none of that. Just an odd feeling of calmness that didn’t seem to match
with anything I’d been going through.
I don’t know what the police officer saw when he looked in
my window. I’d composed myself
well enough that there were no tears running down my face and I was searching
in my wallet for my license. The
$100 or so I was about to pay to the Dallas County coiffeurs for driving over
55mph, didn’t seem to matter for some reason. Maybe the weight of perspective was still vivid enough in my
mind to keep me composed.
Even as I told Kaylan the story tears ran down my face. God was so real in that moment it
almost took my breath away. I
don’t know if that officer ever realized that I thought he was an angel. Maybe he was and maybe he knew it but
he felt to me like one of those pink slips from heaven that we so often want
God to send us. I deserved a
fine. I needed to be reminded to
drive safely and cautiously. All
of this I knew.
“Well ma’am I’m just here to give you a verbal warning…” I
could hardly believe my ears.
Why the officer decided I only needed a warning? I have no idea but to me he was a very
tangible picture of God reaching down into my life at that moment. “Ruth, let Me show you ME, right
now. In the midst of what feels
like a difficult morning, in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your questions,
let Me stop you. Let Me literally pull
you over, and show you mercy.”
My heart stands in awe of a God who takes such a personal
interest in my life and a God who holds true to His promises.
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of
my life…” -Psalm 23
