Come, Ye Thankful People, Come!

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

I’ll never forget hearing these words sung by a room full of grandparents.  A few years ago when I was teaching at Sonlight school we had a ‘Grandparents’ day and invited all the grandparents of the students to come and spend the day with us at school.  After lunch, and a few stories from the grandparents, we asked them to sing a song for us and they chose this hymn.  I distinctly remember the goose bumps running up my arm as I realized the lives that must have walked behind the boldness of their voices as they sang this hymn.  “Great is Thy faithfulness…Thou changest not… as Thou hast been, Thou forever will be… Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…” 

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After writing my last post I told Ian a day later that I was ready to post something else for people to read.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to accept the reality of everyone knowing how I really feel at times.  So why not post something more cheerful?

The reality is, I still feel that way.  I still feel lost.

People ask Ian, “How are you doing?”  And he replies, “I’m doing ok.  I’m glad to be here.” 

And I want to shout to the heavens, “My Ian’s not ok!” 

I want to howl at the moon, “He’s not doing well!  We don’t know what is going on!  We do have problems!”

Instead I mostly just say, “He’s not well, but he’s doing ok.” 

I wish I could say other things.  I wish I could smile when I talk about our lives instead of turning my head and biting my lip to keep from crying.  I wish my nose didn’t run so much when I cried.  At least then I’d look more dignified. I realize I don’t know what it means to be faithful.  I don’t know what it means to go on.  I don’t know what it means to find hope in God.  I don’t know what it means to live in grace.  But I long to know.  I long for my heart to be changed.  Like one of my friends put it so beautifully, “My heart aches, and my tears flow… and I long for heaven.”

Together, Ian and I are facing daily challenges, and we are learning.  Someday in heaven we’ll know what it truly means to receive and live in grace.  We’ll know what it truly means to believe and trust.  In the mean time we’ll try, we’ll struggle and we’ll choose God.

We were privileged to spend a few days in LA and MS with the Bennett side of the family over Thanksgiving.  I had a terrible head cold that had me in bed the Saturday before we left.  I don’t know when the last time was that I felt that sick.  Dear Emily, a church friend, came over and washed up my counter full of dishes and did our laundry and even ironed Ian’s everyday shirts.  He’s still looking sharp in them!  And then, she went back to her parent’s home where the Pifer family was having their Thanksgiving/Christmas get together and the ladies made up a freezer full to meals for us and delivered them!  Remind me again how to respond to such generosity?

It was a blessing to be able to sort of leave our troubles and worries behind while we travelled south.  I was rather surprised to realize after only a few days that I felt like I was truly able to live in the present and not worry about the future.  It was a good reminder to me that often I take God’s faithfulness as only something to be sung about and not lived in a commitment to trust.

And now we’re home.  We plan to go again to Mayo next week on Tuesday, to see if we can schedule an appointment for a muscle biopsy.  And God continues to shower us with blessings.  Our local church community has pulled together, for us, in so many little ways.  I know I’d have fallen apart a long time ago if it weren’t for their continued support, prayers, meals, love, blessing and encouragement.  Just this morning after church they surprised us with 26 packages, one for every letter of the alphabet for Ian to open over the next 26 days.  The other week when Ian was feeling especially low physically, and also in spirit, I came home from work to a rather large looking package in the mail from NC.  We opened it and together we cried and thanked God for what was inside.  Some of our dear friends from a church in NC that have been praying for us, put together a puzzle with encouraging scripture verses on each piece.  They also included a note with words of encouragement and what they’ve been praying for us.  Some of the people who sent notes we didn't even know.  Our hearts were blessed and I continue to look at it and am reminded to “Hope in God, for my expectation is from Him.”  Yet another church blessed us with a very large financial gift to help with general living expenses.  And did I mention all the gifts and packages that have come in the mail to us over the last months from family and friends and even those we don’t know?  We daily stand in awe of a God who knows how to give, “Every good and perfect gift.”

Though we are facing a difficult life journey, we are learning together what it means to find joy and to rejoice with a very deep, soul-joy during the especially low times.  So, while I may look like I have it all together at times, there are also moments where I do feel much like I’m falling apart, like I, or we, can’t go on into the future unless something changes.  

We’re learning to live in the presence of One Who

“Restores our soul, Who leads us in the path of righteousness, Who anoints our head with oil and Who truly causes our cup to run over with blessings.”

 (Psalm 23 paraphrased)